It hits hard ; comes swooping in ; knocks me flat ; an awareness of MY ACTIONS ; I go hollow ; quiet and introspective ; out of character ; out of my mind ; need to scream it into my pillow ; need to bite down hard ; time is a wasting ; could be scrubbing ; could be scraping it away ; spores of my shame ; could be losing it.

I can put on the mask ; hide it away ; behind rolling dull eyes ; if I were to pretend ; but I don’t want to play ; the rules are unjust ; I stumble against walls ; my hands to my ears ; I turn my head to the side ; double standard ; sided knife ; why is it ; awareness of MY ACTIONS only comes after the fact?