Willing
she finds him
and tries to keep
the moment alive
in the days to follow
the expectation
of a nothing nothingness
makes hollow
where the sensation
of that moment
made its own.
An explanation, of sorts; that you should understand my actions. I dare not say this to your face. Rejection motivates, but ultimately devastates. I never expected anything to come of it. The past is testament to that. The question: why now, if you didn’t back then?
It is the fear that without the facade of The Minx, I would be undesirable. And so I played it out, to you, to your friends. I bluff my commitment to the character I think you’d like me to be. Stupidly.
It was always you. My longing to belong; the fuel feeding this ridiculous campaign. Hoping that by exercising the sensual, sexual – I would earn your respect, affection, protection. Foolish. You’d think by now I would have known better.
You said, “You learn from your mistakes” … but I will not put hope into that phrase, because to me, it translates as you, giving me a chance to redeem myself. And as much as I’d like for you to look me over again, it would be almost self-destructive for me to believe you will. As I’ve said before: Rejection motivates but ultimately devastates.
And so I fade out. Attempt nothing. Go on with the day. A safe option. The smart thing to do.
You want me to tell you
it reminds me of the staircase
fluttering dust fairies
and Sunday afternoon sun
through the hazed window pane
I am being scolded
and dragging feet
I pull myself upward
to the warm place, my place
of pinks, my pink
once my Mother’s pink
a lifetime ago,
when the world incoherent
was cooling under my eyelids
and we never hurt each other.